The 115th Congress

Dear 115th Congress,

Hello, you knuckleheads.  It’s me, America.  Well, you really started things off with a bang, didn’t you?  What was supposed to be your celebratory affair on Tuesday morning—welcoming new and returning members of Congress—turned into a complete and utter disaster after what you pulled on Monday night.  One may call it an ill-fated reach; others may refer to it as sneaky and distasteful; I prefer to think of it as idiotic.  House Republicans, led by Representative Robert W. Goodlatte of Virginia, attempted to prevent the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) from pursuing investigations into members of Congress that might result in criminal charges.

The Band of Uninformed Experts

Let’s face it, we have become a country of uninformed experts.  We managed to callously create a society based on the foundations of misinformation and deceit.  Many of us have not only blindly accepted this, but have willingly perpetrated it. 

From Donald to Vlad, With Love

Hey Vlad,

What are you doing tonight?  You wanna hang out?  Melania is making popcorn and I’m ordering KFC.  We could watch a movie or something.  Rocky IV?  But we could watch your version where you recut it so Dolph Lundgren wins.  Or we can watch something else.  Whatever you want.  Let me know.

Don

Yes, We're F*cking Scared

We believe in times of crisis and anxiety, the best course of action is not to panic.  Are we scared?  Well, that’s a complicated question.  Yes, we’re concerned that your current cabinet member nominations are the usual suspects of moral corruption and white supremacy.  But we’re also empowered by the fact you’ve chosen to nominate such a clown car of ineptitude we have no other recourse than to rise up.

Scared Yet?

Dear America,

Got your letter.  It was very good.  And while I'm sure you'd like to think I'll take it under advisement, I think we both know that's not gonna happen.  

Honestly, I really only have one thing to ask: Scared yet? 

No? 

Well, then let's recap.  Since my tremendous victory in an election so easy to win I even got to say "pussy" during my campaign, I have selected some very great people to my administration.

Barack Says Goodbye

Dear America,            

Hello there.  It's me.  Your fearless leader...It's Obama.  Barack.  It's Barack Obama.  The President of the United States.  Current President.  I was writing to...well...I was just wondering if...

Please don't make me go.  Please.

There's still so much I have to do.  I still need to close Guantanamo, overhaul immigration, and mend ties with Cuba.  I need to fix Social Security and create free college education programs.  I need to ensure Merrick Garland is appointed to the Supreme Court.  For the love of God, I need to protect my true treasure: Obamacare.

America Responds to The Donald

Dear Mr. President-elect Trump,

Hi.  It’s America.  Got your letter.  We especially liked the Ziggy postage stamp you used.  He is both a beloved and underappreciated character in our cartoon history.  We would like to think your letter was sent in good faith, but judging by the rigid, bombastic content, we're guessing we should assume otherwise.

We'd like to start by congratulating you.  You did, indeed, win the 2016 Presidential Election.  That much is true.  But after reading your letter some thoughts came to mind, and if you'll indulge us for just a few more words, we think we can help alleviate some of the divisiveness you're so keen on exercising.

Good Riddance, America

Dear America,

Hello.  It’s me.  It's your president.  First, let me start by saying how tremendously glad I am to be your commander in chief.  It means a lot.  I really, really, really appreciate it.  I appreciate it almost as much as I’d appreciate a card from my grandmother on my birthday.  It truly was a nice gesture.  So many of you said I couldn’t win, but I’m here for good and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Secondly, let me take the opportunity to say: Goodbye you blacks.  Goodbye you Muslims.  Goodbye Jews.  Goodbye Somalis.  Goodbye you disgusting Greeks with your overcooked, under-sauced food.  Goodbye lazy Mexicans, enjoy climbing my ten foot wall with your nine foot ladder.