Based in beautiful Oakland, CAlifornia

Barack Says Goodbye

Barack Says Goodbye

Dear America,            

Hello there.  It's me.  Your fearless leader...It's Obama.  Barack.  It's Barack Obama.  The President of the United States.  Current President.  I was writing to...well...I was just wondering if...

Please don't make me go.  Please.

There's still so much I have to do.  I still need to close Guantanamo, overhaul immigration, and mend ties with Cuba.  I need to fix Social Security and create free college education programs.  I need to ensure Merrick Garland is appointed to the Supreme Court.  For the love of God, I need to protect my true treasure: Obamacare.

Oh, who am I kidding?  Honestly, I just want to save my legacy.  I mean, this is crazy, right?  Donald J. Trump?  I still wake up in the mornings believing the election was a twisted dream, but then I wander the halls of the West Wing and see the pained, heartbroken expressions of my staffers and know it must be true.  Democracy is a wonderful thing, sometimes the best of things.  It's something that should be upheld and honored.  But, I'll say again: this is crazy, right?  The Donald?

Isn't there any leniency with that whole "term limit" thing?  Maybe just another two years?  One?  Six months and I'll walk away, I promise.

Seriously, America?  I spent my two terms stimulating the economy, providing healthcare for every single American, reducing unemployment, and creating jobs.  When I took office in January 2009 the Dow Jones had dipped below 8,000, the unemployment rate was 7.6%, and job creation was practically dormant.  Today, the Dow is well over 18,000, unemployment is at 4.9%, and I've helped create more than 9,000,000 jobs!  Make America Great Again?  What the hell do you think I've been doing these last 8 years?  

Please, please, please, don't make me go.  Please don't let the last 8 years be destroyed by the next 4.  You wouldn't build the Golden Gate Bridge to turn around and blow it up, would you?  Come on, man!!  I bottled beer in the White House for God's sake!  I SING AL GREEN!  And you've replaced me with an orange haired, red-faced, discriminatory, fear-peddling, ignoramus?

COME. ON. MAN.

Just...just...oh, please just let me stay.  I promise I won't bother anyone.  I'll just keep my head down and do my job and I won't say a thing.  Just say you'll think about it, okay?  Isn't violating the Constitution worth not having to subject yourself to a former reality star as your Commander in Chief?  Isn't ignoring the democratic process worth not having to worry about a woman's right to choose?  Isn't shunning the electoral college worth not having to worry about one's immigration rights?  The nuclear football will be in the hands of a pea-brained nitwit with an itchy trigger finger and no inside voice!  Please just think about it.

Well, I hear Michelle calling.  We need to go down to the garden and pick vegetables for dinner—oh yeah, that's right, I built a fucking garden in the White House, too!

Don't forget me, America.

Love, always and forever,

Barack H. Obama

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